| | With each day, I find that I should have more admiration for those that can be happy so nonchalantly. Is it a growing depression? More likely I am only coming to terms with reality. And yet, I pray that it is the former. I want to believe that the change of perspective I have on the present and future are diluted by ever pervasive insecurities.
In our day of social networking, I can almost feel that I am at the cusp of failure for a number of my relationships with others. I can only assume that it is my fault. Certainly some relationships were more doomed from the start than others. Still, any should be kept healthy or at least salvaged if possible as long as it leads to happiness. In my heart, I can't decide. This is probably the most annoying quirks I have, my wavering behavior. Being with her has always made me happy. But when I am with her, I lose all of my senses and grip on reality. I want to believe that we exist as a couple, though that cannot be farther than the truth. This discontinuity between what is and what I want to be instills an emptiness in me. Yet, I play charades and create the illusion of happiness when I am with her. I only work for her happiness at my own expense. It's an obvious decision and a simple observation that this would never work from the beginning. I only want it to work to comfort myself in the fact that I do have friends that I can make on my own. She would be content with her life had I been there or not. She would never openly admit to it. Brutal honesty has never been her style. If you can go a month without seeing someone, is that person really your friend? Try 8 months.
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| | Posted 11/16/2008 2:21 AM - 6 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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